Authors for Goodreads

Authors for Goodreads - Tobias Gavran After [b:Authors vs. Goodreads|24379183|Authors vs. Goodreads|Zoe Desh||43962095][bc:Authors vs. Goodreads|24379183|Authors vs. Goodreads|Zoe Desh||43962095] now comes [b:Authors for Goodreads|24608514|Authors for Goodreads|Tobias Gavran||44219070][bc:Authors for Goodreads|24608514|Authors for Goodreads|Tobias Gavran||44219070]

Oh yeah!


My favorite quotes of the book.

Author: Beware Of Thyself

Since it’s so easy to publish about anything in the modern cybernetic realm (why not), a lot of people proclaim themselves authors of masterpieces and just throw their cr*p on the market. Sometimes for as ridiculous a price as $9 an eBook, with a cover that seems to have been made by an 8-year-old, barely any editing, and an over-simplified plot at best. Disoriented, they then try to market their product without even knowing its worth, since it barely holds any.

Understanding Goodreads Is Big Brother

I mean, I just told you in the last chapter that no matter what you do, you’ll end up in the database, without any input on your part. But please, consider for a moment that it’s a conspiracy to know everything about you.

Yeah! Let’s get back to my points! Beware of the dreaded reviewers! They’ll bully you into submission. (And by submission I mean that they won’t let you dictate the content of their review, or give you a free pass for self-publishing a book riddled with typos and slut-shaming.)

Goodreads Chain of Command

They expect authors to make people feel a certain way not by commenting on their reviews – or flagging them, or sending private messages, or ordering a hit on them through their fan base – but by writing their story a certain way! Some people will go as far as saying that they should even write good stories to achieve this marvelous deed. How scandalous!

Listen to me, comrades! These Librarians are nothing but collaborationists! They’ve a dictatorial power over the forums and groups. Beware for they are blood-thirsty beast. Never look them in the eye, you might lose a testicle in the battle – or an ovary, let’s not be sexist. Do not challenge ye beast!

The Author Information on Goodreads is over 9000

Now, remember that readers can make their profile private and you can’t… because you totally want to remain unseen and NOT sell books, remember? You are a ninja, not a writer. Oh, wait! What’s this book about, again?

Okay, so, you’re a writer. You want people to read your stuff, to connect with you. That’s why you should give the least information about yourself on your profile! Keep them in the dark. You know how people are attracted to strangers, right?

You’re A Lonesome Cowboy

Outrage is the right emotion to feel right now! These people didn’t make any statement in your name, they barely told the world about your existence. How dare they? You’re an author. You don’t want people to know about you! If they know about you, they might connect the dots between the books you’ve written. Yeah! They might decide to buy the other sh*t you’re selling! F*ckd*mn!

You can’t let that happen! Tell them they can’t use your cover! I mean, you don’t want people to actually recognize your book when they go into a bookstore or when they browse the web, right? That’d be terrible! They might get interested! No!

Goodreads Lethal Review Shenanigans

They don’t see the monarch-elect of the beauty pageant, they see what people with similar views think, then what people with diverging thoughts think. How’s that called again? PERSPECTIVE!

Now one could argue that a 1 star rating with no review shelved as “wouldn’t-pee-on-it-if-it-was-on-fire” isn’t helpful to anyone. Well. It’s helpful to the reviewer! The poor person just read an absolute f*cking mess of a book. They’re just letting out some steam. Your book gave them sh*t so they’re reciprocating. It’s life.

Now, you might get insecure because a hundred people just had the same reaction about your book. Well, then, if every other car is coming your way, you might be driving in the wrong lane! Get a grip. Write another book or drink yourself to sleep, your choice!

Anatomy of a Troll

If you look for “Goodreads troll cat” on Google, you’ll find 2,060,000 results (0.41 seconds). What does that tell you about Goodreads trolls? They eat cats! MONSTERS!

That’s because of their review system. Indeed, the cuter the gif, the more likes you get. Therefore, Goodreads trolls require a continuous stream of newborn kitten to enact their felonious plan to bring down thy sales! But do not fear their power, for you have been chosen to defeat them! You are…the chosen one! (Knock, knock, […])

A Grandiloquent Suggestion to Attack a Troll

Never mind that, though, you can’t expect to go viral with a story about how people remediated to a hateful situation by being understanding of each other and clearing up the fuss. That’s just not compelling at all to the public eye! Full on false-review war is the way to go! Because violence shouldn’t just be relegated to fiction. It has to be part of our lives!

Goodreads Soft Belly

I bet I could pay a thousand strangers from some third-world country to do my dirty job for me. Why shouldn’t we all do that? It’s not like these people have any dignity in the first place or any actual interest in reading. They’re on Goodreads to sell their reviews and ratings. They can’t possibly give any intelligible feedback on an actual work of literature.

Oh, better, I’ll pay ONE guy to post a THOUSAND reviews. There’s no such thing as an IP address in these regions of the globe, after all! Goodreads has absolutely no guideline about dishonest, paid-for reviews, and one person trying to weigh in as though they were a thousand people. We will never get caught! This is a master plan! (Just like my books are masterpieces.)

Listen up, Goodreads, here’s what you should do!

Don’t allow people to show their support or react to your reviews: Look, your opinion is absolute and should stand on its own. Why would you need friends to show you they liked it (with a button) when they don’t have to comment? Oh, wait, actually, even if they do have the time to comment, why should they? It’s not like you’d enjoy sharing your point of view about a work of literature in a dynamic fashion. You can’t possibly want to argue about a plot point, or compare your admiration for a character, or rave together about the upcoming sequel! Networking? It’s barbaric! Readers are here to MARKET a product.


It was worth my time. Some jokes are childish but some are not.