Memorizing You

Memorizing You - Dan Skinner ***I wrote this just after finishing the book. No recovery period, just my raw feelings.***

I feel like my heart wasn’t my own.

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I feel like my heart was out of my body.

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It feels dead.

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But no, it’s not dead. It’s beating.

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It’s beating so hard it makes my chest hurt.

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I don’t understand that.

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It feels like there was nothing inside.

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Maybe that’s the natural thing, to feel nothing.

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Because, really, we are all made of nothing.

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Electrons are mostly nothing. Molecules are mostly nothing. So we are nothing too.

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Why does it feel like there was no nothing? We feel solid, we feel liquid, we feel air.

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Maybe there is something filling the gaps.

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Something I haven’t thought about.

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What is the force that moves the world?

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Is it Love, maybe?

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Maybe Love fills the gaps.

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That’s why we feel almost complete.

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Solid.

Alive

No-nothing.

I just think… Love is in the electrons, so we are not empty.

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So, why do I feel like my heart has just been ripped out of my chest?

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It just doesn’t make sense. Maybe there is no Love inside.

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Yeah, just it.

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Love has left my chest to never come back.

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You know that feeling, David?

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Yeah, I know you do.

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Devastated.

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You tasted the ambrosia for a short while.

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You danced, you smiled, you jumped.

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But the Earth underneath keeps moving.

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Why does it keep moving?

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There is no Love moving it.

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Ah, yeah, because we are nothing.

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Not even a tear in the rain.

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Maybe we are blessed.

Once.

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And maybe never again.

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I want to harm someone.

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I want to scream in a roller-coaster and look the world on it. Nobody touches me there.

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But you know what I want the most right now?

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I want to laugh.

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I want to cry.

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I want to scream.

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I want to find a corner and rot.

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I want to be nothing.

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I am devastated.

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Maybe will ever be.

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You know, that beautiful moment when everything fits? Everything is perfect? Maybe for a second?

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You know that feeling, right, David?

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And you know it can't last, because… that is how the world works. Maybe Love is not what makes the world move.

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But maybe we just need to believe that.

We need fantasy.

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Maybe electrons are full of fantasy. Maybe we are fantasy, too.

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Maybe it’s useless to fall in love.

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Maybe the population is doubled because the hearts are broken in the same chest.

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Looking for our half, is that really true? Not even our own half is solid. We are empty.

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I see my life and sometimes I only see a series of unfortunate events.

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I see my life and I can only find something worth living.

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Maybe we human beings are not meant to understand it.

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Only to be. Only to feel.

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Maybe there is no meaning. Only chaos.

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I feel like my heart wasn’t my own.

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I feel like it has been ripped out of my chest.

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You are beautiful.

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But you devastate me.

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You are a supernova. You no longer exist. But your light keeps shining on the horizon.

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But you devastate me.

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Yeah, my heart is bleeding.